What’s up Doc…

     I presented and defended my doctoral thesis titled “An Exploration into the Resilience of the Human Soul and Evolution of the Human Self: A Study of Select Autobiographies of Artists and Statesmen”  at the university and I can’t believe it’s over. It’s actually… overwhelming to think of how I got into it in the first place. I had to quit my job cause I was in and out of the hospital, those were the dark years as I call them. I wanted something to do, and since I’m in the habit of devouring books, I thought why not get a Ph.D. in it. So started foraging for a university, a guide and after all that fell in place, the topic had to be decided. I remember Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt was quite fascinating in its various aspects and I thought why not work on such real-life stories that make you feel… that pull at your heartstrings. So got together with my guide and her guide who is a colossal giant in this field and we discussed autobiographies and decided upon five authors who have changed the collective human consciousness. So I had to briefly read up on the selected authors, write a paper and send it to the university after which there was an entrance exam and a meeting with a doctoral committee where my topic and the chosen authors were discussed, I remember they were quite fascinated by the topic. It seemed new to them I guess… autobiographical studies after all the comparative studies and the other well known African-American studies, post-colonial studies, and other literary topics. After they approved, I started reading my primary sources and preparing for the Methodology exam. In between, the dark years became intense and I became a recluse. Got a medical certificate from the hospital, sent it to the university, and I stopped existing… like one of my authors, Maya Angelou explains, it felt like I was falling off the edge of the world into nothingness and I couldn’t even care.

     Then like it always does, clarity seeps in when you’re close to the edge. So I took a step back and with the help of a gentle sentinel who said so much without uttering a word, I slowly picked up the pieces of self and tried to attach them back into the person I used to know. Gave the Methodology exam and started the research work by visiting libraries and poring over online databases. Read exhaustively and slowly the chapter building phase started taking roots. Once the idea of each chapter is conceived, getting into the heart of the matter is quite a joyful affair. It’s that fireworks-going-off-in-your-head phase when you connect concepts and the thought process just flows and it feels amazing to realise new things. So this goes on with each chapter, conceiving the idea and knowing how to progress is where the challenge lies. Once the idea is understood, analyzing the data is quite a liberating process.

     In 2015, my whole world changed, the ground shook and like another author of mine, Elie Wiesel, life split into before and after the burgeoning consciousness. Talking of Elie Wiesel, researching him was the most difficult. Reading about the holocaust is not easy, everything tends to look depressing and bleak after a while and at nights the dreams would be horrible. I would have to stop and take a week off in between… do normal stuff, watch comedy shows, read something romantic to feel normal again. Otherwise, reading about the chilling crimes of genocide is too much to handle, makes one question the purpose of existence. Imagine living through one… can’t imagine how Elie and the others handled life in a world that sought to obliterate them. At normal times, when I was researching the other authors, dreams would be about whole paragraphs flying here and there, the documentation syntax, the in-text citations, text highlighting itself and my fingers flying over the keyboard… those vivid dreams were fun.

     Had to publish a paper in a UGC approved journal and I got it published, but then when I got close to submitting my thesis, the journal I had published in, lost its UGC rating. Then there was the mad panic and scramble to write another paper and get it published on time while praying like crazy that the journal I submitted to still remains on the UGC list. Gosh, those were some nerve-wracking days… and that brings to mind my pre PhD exam. That too, I was a ball of nerves initially, then after a few questions by the examiner, I kinda got into the groove and stood my ground. After that, finally completed my thesis, submitted it and settled in for the long wait as it got sent out to anonymous examiners across the country. Waited for the reports to arrive at the university, after which the date was set to 6th September 2019. Could hardly eat or sleep properly the previous day, there was so much to do and organise. The 6th dawned and I got ready and left the house at 6:30am amidst a heavy downpour; I like the rain and the sound of it cascading all around me on the drive to the university was quite calming.